Kingston Messabout
by Richard Frye

I left home a day early so I could take my time for the 565 mile drive. All was going well till I got to what they call the New Yawk Thruway. I stopped at the toll booth to git my ticket and this here big, I mean big and.....big boobed bleached blonde with real red lipstick and enough hair for 4 normal women..you know the extra poofy kind? She yelled directly at me and loud enough so that folks 5 cars back was listen'n to what was go'n on!, She hollered, "Hey... I wanna see yor thang!" I almost died right then and there! Mostly laugh'n and chok'n... and when I had regained my composure and dignity I looked at her sweet turkey platter sized face and said, "Hell baby ...I ain't seen MY THANG in 5 goddamn years!" She almost overturned the toll booth!

Me and my THANG

What she really wanted was to see my little Teardrop camping trailer. Folks have strange ways with words sometimes! Don't much think she was interested in other little thangs! But I was wrong about that too! And it was as plain as the nose on yor face she didn't give a flying shit about the 65 cars backed up behind me! So I comminced to very briefly tell about teardrops and splained to her how to find'em on the internet so I could go.

I told most everyone about this experience at the messabout, but I wuz saving the best part till now! SHE wanted me to wait till she got off!....so SHE could come with me! Can you believe that shit! I'd have needed a kayak 80 feet long with a 12 foot beam! Ain't enough seals left in the world to build a boat dat damn big! Yep...go'n on vacation! And figured she'd done found her big ass a free ride to Canader! I told her about my sweet wife Kaye but that didn't matter to her one iota when she eyeballed everything and saw I wuz alone! Didn't have my dog or gun! I knew right then I was in deep shit!

Suddenly like a gift from the heavens them nice wonderful folks behind me stretched out to Pittsburgh by now started honkin on their horns and saved my ass! I bid my goodbyes rapidly, snatched my ticket outta her hand and was on my way, speed shift'n like ole Richard Petty!.......up to 85 MPH just to get clear of the danger zone! Finally slowed down as my heart rate began to settle back to normal. Didn't want to git a ticket.....specially in New Yawk! And, wuz glad I didn't upset the teardrop or have to do some boat repair on this busy toll street!

Bruce Hector, our host

I got to Rideau Acres in Kingston, Ontario about 10am Thursday morning. The place was huge and unlike that big blonde at the toll booth.....it was beautiful! After some hagglin betwixed American money and Canadian money, I finally got what I'd call one of the best campsites right on the water. The boating crowd hadn't got there so I more or less had the place to my own, 'cept for the regulars and a few vacationers.

I'd recommend you go to the currency exchange and git a few of them funny looking dollars so you won't have no trouble if you find a deal on someth'n or just wanna git a double cheeseburger at MacDonalds or someth'n ...... and be sure to git your Americano money back at the money change'n place on your way back to the US of A..it's right there a short piece before you git to the border, and where you have to pay more tolls to git back home.

Don is the guy that has the snak bar right thar at the boat landing and across from where I parked the teardrop. I wuz git'n hungry and decided I'd have an order of "French" fries...they call'em that too! Guess cause there's a lot of French folks there...and also ordered a regular hamburger! Well when it come time to pay I had it figured out 20 minutes later that it would take an act of Parliment and a statement from Tony Blair in the old country to see what I owed for the damn hamburger and fries! I don't know who's running Canada! He said I owed him 5.75 Canadian, but didn't know what it wuz equal to in American money and that's all I had! I wasn't about to give him my US of A Abe Lincoln and 3 quarters! I'm a little ignorant and dumb at times but I ain't stupid! And my mental condition wasn't act'n up at that particular moment.

Steve Fisher in in his Li'l Kate

So after asking me what I thought was fair we agreed that I pay him 3 American dollars then he gave me a damn funny looking coin that look like a token from Disneyland made out of aluminum that they had drilled a great big hole in and smashed a brass or could have been a copper penny smak in the middle of it! He called it a Toonie then splained to me that is wuz 2 dollars Canadian. The deal wuz made and he finally give me my damn food! Then after figur'n it up I still came out on the raw end cause that Toonie thang was only worth about 1.30 US.

I felt something was wrong but was starving by this time and wuz 'bout ready for a couple of good ole American Tylenol and to hell with the hamburger. Besides it was damn near supper time now! There was enough french fries for 2 or 3 people and the hamburger was the size of a damn saucer and about 3" inches thick and absolutely delicious so I didn't bitch any more! I could have give those measurements in millimeters and centimeteres and even tell you how hot it was in centigrade by now .... but that would just make things worse and most likely more confusing to me and ya'll! And then Ya'll ud be wanting to borrow my big bottle of Tylenol cause I'd be confused again too!

Got to meet the host of this messabout, Bruce Hector, later that afternoon. A delightful fellow that will bend over backwards to help anyone! He proved that over the entire weekend time after time, and kept things running smoothly. Sure wish he'd been with me at that New Yawk toll booth! He's a right big feller!

Sandra tries out my little blue skin boat

My buddy Steve Fisher and his wife Renee arrived Friday right after lunch and Chuck and Sandra had already come by early that morning and the show was about to begin!

Me and Chuck head out for some paddlin'

Me and Chuck went paddlin'. Then me and Steve took off across the lake! Folks kept coming in from all over the place. Florida, Michigan, Texas, Pennsylvania, New Yawk and several other states! Boats of all sizes and shapes began to appear.

John Bartlett's Turtle - that thing needed gun turrets

Bolger designs stood out among all others and several gorgeous creations were floating majestically at the dock. These were big boats now, not the little ones! But there were also Piraquas, Nymphs, a Toto, D-4, Pickup Pram, Wind Sprint so many others I don't have time to name, and one big ass boat from Indian River Florida that was a combo of 3 different Bolger stamps about 30 someth'n feet long! That thing needed gun turrets and a big crew.

Chris and Julie Bullen's beautiful CLC17

Chris and Julie allowed me to venture out in their beautiful CLC 17. Very nice but a bit long for the TD. It was a blast! I had a wonderful time, and considered it a privilege to paddle and fish in the crystal clear Canadian waters. Yes dammit......I said fish! I can say that now that I'm back home and in the US of A and safe! NO.......I didn't have no damn fishing license, and NO.......I didn't have no conservation license or stamp or anything I should have had! But I did get to cast a line in Canadian water.......a dream I've always had even if it was only for 30 minutes. I caught a pretty little perch...that is about the prettiest little fish I've ever seen! I don't like catfish.......they remind me of my ex-mother-in-law! But even those are fun to catch if you've had enough beer! I tucked my telescopic covert fishing rod under my T-shirt and smiled to myself as I strolled back to my Teardrop. Caught a couple of fish, released them unharmed...nothing big but nevertheless I'd finally done it!

And.....Yes.......I wuz looking over my shoulder to see if the RCMP was coming to take me away! That's Royal Canadian Mounted Police you know. Ya'll remember Sgt. Preston and his dog King on TV years ago? I think that wuz the dogs name. My sweet wife Kaye would love that! ..... and I could forget bail money! I can just hear her saying, "Yep..Can ya'll believe that shit? That damn old fool got his ass locked up in a foreign country!...and he can just stay there as far as I'm concerned! But they don't want more crazies up there so they'll probably let'im go, and I'll still have to put up with his crotchity old ass!"

Chuck and Sandra took me to a great Greek Restaurant Friday night and the food was excellent! Bruce came in a little later and ordered some stuff I can't pronounce....and wuz enough for all of us! It too was also surperb cause we kept sticking our forks over in his plate so as we could try some new stuff! You don't have to worry about the portions...they are big! So is Bruce but a helluva nice guy.

David Spencer brought the turkey and this neat little Nutshell Pram

Saturday night was the pot luck dinner and David Spencer cooked a turkey in a most unusual way! Yep...He drove big wooden 2x2 stake in the ground, impaled this 20 pound bird upon it then wired it on with the same kind of wire we use to sew up a tack and tape boat so it wouldn't fall down in the dirt! Some folks saw that stake in the ground and thought it wuz for the kids ......playing Joan of Arc! Then he turned a garbage can upside down over the turkey. It was a new garbage can by the way! Next he dumped 15 or so pounds ..guess that's about 30 kilograms of self lighting charcoal around the base that was already lit and piled it up about 6 inches or so around the edge of the garbage can, then piled up some more hot coals on the top which was actually the bottom cause the garbage can wuz upside down! Then you let it cook at 8 minutes per pound. Ya'll follow'n this ok? I'm gittin' a brand new metal garbage can from Walmart next month the day my check comes for this coming Thanksgiving! And the new lid makes and excellent serving tray! I wonder how Kaye's going to react to this one! "Hey Honey! I'm going to cook the Thanksgiving turkey in the garbage can!" I might have to borrow a lap top from a guard at the local sanitarium just to let ya'll know I'm still around! But I'm gonna do it any damn way cause that wuz some of the best turkey I ever sank my dentures in! By god it was damn good! Hell ask anybody that wuz there! Bad thing is.....most of them were there are just as damn crazy as I am but at least I admit it! In all respects, the Pot Luck dinner was outstanding!

Chuck tries out my old Stealth

So many beautiful boats were there.....in fact ALL of them were beautiful no matter how shitty they looked! Even my old beat up stuff looked good floating in this foreign water! Course a lot of us got into Bruces homemade wine! Red and white! Wow! That shit was terrific! So smooth!

I'm partial to the small light boats now as ya'll know and have gotten away from the big stuff that's been moored in back yard with weeds growing all around them. Mostly cause the others tire me out and spoil all the fun!

The Stealth is used most of the time for fishin, playing around and when I need to get somewhere, I know she'll do the job and get me back safely, but ya'll oughta know that by now. Chuck even took a like'n to the old Stealth! About the Stealth, don't take my word for it...just ask Chuck. He was in her several times....the Stealth that is. I also had the Blue skin boat with me that became sort of an oddity that folks took a shine to! Now ain't that the pot calling the kettle black...me speaking of oddities!

But what stood out the most was my little shoddy Teardrop camping trailer that only has one coat of paint on it and ain't sanded! Folks liked it anyway! I love it and Kaye even likes it! Now she's got almost 3200 miles of travel under her belt. Already Kaye wants to take a special trip to her homeland...Ohio, before the snow flies and do it in the teardrop! I quit trying to figure her out years ago!

TIMS

Even the TIMS project drew a helluva lot of attention and was fun! Bruce worked his ass off on that one!

Here I am trying out Li'l Kate while Steve Bosquette in his
Bolger Sneakeasy looks on

One tiny boat stole my heart! That was my buddy Steve Fishers Li'l Kate, a Selway-Fisher design! That little canoe was impressive on all points! A perfect cartopper and for the short length is very fast, easy to move, light as a feather, and very stable! On a scale from 1 to 10 the Li'l Kate would rate a 10 without doubt! You know men like to rate women on that scale too.

I gave one gal an eleven one time! That wuz about 30 years ago. Strange how time does show realms of depreciation on some things! And time does take its toll! Saw her not long ago, and after 30 years, 4 kids, a lot of what was physical evidence of evidently very good cooking, she has sadly deprectiated on the scale of 1 to 10 to about a 2.5! Even if she got rid of the "extra" 160 pounds that mysteriously surrounded her once coke bottle figure she'd barely make a 4 with her hair fixed! Glad I went into military service and even appreciate the fact that I was sent to the far east and came back alive! Never felt that way till I saw her again after 30 years!

There was lot's of wind for the sailboats, waves for the kayak nuts and projects that will boggle the mind! There wuz prams, scows, Nymphs..the Bolger type...I ain't talking about the toll booth in New Yawk! The smallest boat was a Cape Cod Frosty...the largest was that big ass boat John Bartlett brought up from Florida, and everything in between bobbed around the lagoon and beach! Something for everyone!

David Spencer's Siamese Brick

Another one was the Siamese Brick! Two Bricks ingeniously put together with a section called grout or mortar in the middle that was used to join the two boats! Ya'll just gotta see the picture of this one and she sailed extremely well.

I tried a Mouse, threw in a power stroke and instantly made a 90 degree turn I hadn't planned on! A Mouse will turn on a dime and give you 9 cents change! Takes a while to getting used to but it sure was fun! The Mouse is a great little boat! Just don't be in a hurry to go anywhere!

I had a glorious time at this Canadian messabout paddling around in every boat I could get my boney butt in and am looking forward to going back again if I'm still kicking this time next year!

Those goddamned Geese!

And one thing I was trying not to mention is that there were those goddamned ever present geese! and.....I didn't even have a gun! They git a might riled up at the border if you got one! These particular geese were real residents of Canada! The real macoy! The true terrorist! Even got to see a couple fighting but they stopped before I got the camera! Very interesting! I hate geese!

And then there were lot's of Dump Chicks around too as THEY say....we call'em Sea Gulls! The name Dump Chicks is self explanitory! Don gets pissed off it somebody throws out a french fry around his snak shack, it's snatched up by the white demons, and it ain't long afore everybody is head'n for the bomb shelter!

I pulled out Sunday and missed some of the activites like going to the Irish Pub! This messabout schedule had some nice things planned. But they need to give some door prizes for the ulgiest boat, I had a good chance on that one! The prettiest boat, the littlest boat, the biggest boat, and the oddest looking boat, etc.! I mentioned it to them so they'll have something to think about for next year!

Well those damn geese will be heading south soon......I might just tag along behind them to see what I can get into if gas prices go down, but I'll have my gun this time! I meant to ask them at the camp ground why they didn't have any mirrors in the bathrooms! Yeah I know we shave in the shower and you figure after shaving for 50 or 60 years we wouldn't need a damn mirror, but damn a mighty! Men like to look at themselves while shaving so they can see how badly they're cut! You gotta see where to smash on some toilet paper to stop the bleeding! Guess they speckt you to use the side mirror on your truck after you git back to your campsite if you don't bleed to death before you git there!

If ya'll ain't been to Canada, plan to make this messabout a priority. Lot's of islands to explore and paradise for camera nuts! It was well worth it believe me! And as they say in "Southern Canada" Ya'll come back now...ya hear? They got that from me!

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